Tim once told me I was a “punishing woman.” You’ll have to take my word for it that, at the time (I believe I had a fistful of his hair), he meant it as a compliment. I don’t think he meant it in exactly that way later on, though..
The night before he flew from Dallas to New York to stay with me, my phone lit up with a flurry of text messages, most of which bordered on scandalous. There was even the suggestion (his, incidentally) that we do it right there in the baggage claim. You know, raise a few eyebrows. Possibly get arrested.
But as exciting as all that sounded, it was not to be.
He arrived drunk. And not just airplane liquor tipsy. Drunk. Unshowered and reeking of the previous night’s adventures in booze and cigarettes, he stood at the baggage carousel, looking miserable. I wasn’t feeling much better. It was an auspicious beginning to a weekend I’d anticipated spending scantily (if at all) clad… and not smelling like a hobo. Determined to salvage things, I sent him straight to the shower the minute we got home. We were having dinner at Grimaldi’s later, and I wasn’t taking him anywhere like that.
He emerged from the bathroom a half hour later wearing make up.
“I found your eyeliner.”
“I can see that.”
I was tempted to tell him that Jared Leto hadn’t been hot since the Jordan Catalano days, and that mimicking him now was just bad form, but before I could say a word, he disappeared back into the bathroom… to straighten his hair. Such fanciness, I thought, for walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. Still, I held onto a bit of hope that things would improve.
They didn’t. He spent the entire four-day weekend falling-down drunk, and I spent it feeling like Peg Bundy. For a fuckation, there sure wasn’t much sex going on. And what there was of that, was hardly recognizable. I mean, I’ve heard of a quickie, but the speed at which he pawed (and I do mean pawing. They’re attached, son. Might wanna be careful with those.) his way through it was ridiculous. And after we were done? Back to the booze.
I’d gone to a lot of trouble to make plans, take him to music venues that he’d like. I even wasted my Natural History Museum make-out on him.
“She’s mad at me,” he told his friends when we met them for brunch the morning he left.
“I’m glad you picked up on that,” I said, wishing the waiter would bring the damn coffee. I hate to be a pouter, but seriously, no one puts baby in a corner and no one makes me feel like Peg Bundy. I wasn’t pouting. I was pissed.
“Why? I came to see you.”
“No,” I said finally. “You came to see the bottom of a pint glass. And I hear they have those back home.”
His friends laughed and teased him about not earning his keep, but I’m not sure he heard them through his hangover.
I know I should try to have some compassion – he obviously has a serious drinking problem – but when he left, that drunk bastard packed my favorite black cashmere sweater. And after everything else? Well, I was plum out of good feelings. One day, when finally he gets to that all-important step of his 12 step program, I better get an apology and a damn gift card. I don’t care what your excuse. You don’t fuck with a girl’s best sweater.
THAT is so wrong! There is nothing worse then babysitting a complete drunk when YOU are supposed to be having a good time. BOO on him!
O no no no…not a cashmere sweater.
I’ma have to disagree w/ u on Jared Leto tho. The man is gg gg ggggorgeous. Great hair also! I met him 2/3 yrs ago and he is just breathtaking..and those eyes>>> *sigh*. Now I wuld let him get away w/ takin my fav cashmere..only bcuz it wuld give me a reason to show up on his doorstep haha.
Great post!
I always want more violence in your stories (I think in my mind it’s “giving them what they deserve”). Like when you gave him what for at brunch I was happy, but when you said you weren’t sure what got through the hangover I wished you had added a right cross for emphasis.
I was once having sex with a guy who was drunk and he fell asleep- while inside of me- standing up!
Oh my god, Torrie. You win! That’s terrible.
Holy crap I had such a similar experience — out of town boyfriend showed up stinking drunk and then immediately passed out upon arrival. Ended that one pretty quick.
Now, Torrie ,,, passing out, while having sex, standing up. That takes SKILL!!!
random jared leto sighting…he cut me off this weekend! bastard almost crashed into me. funny how i was able to identify his face so quickly….those blue eyes are gorgeous.
That is just not right on so many levels. I once went to visit a guy… we had many an “intriguing” conversation leading up to he visit. When I got there, Nothing! Oh, and I’m pretty sure he had gotten back with his ex…. oh boys….
Tim a la douche. Why not just shave his legs with your razor? I think step 13 should be you snatching off his sack like a paper towel.
Yes…you SHOULD have some compassion. Show him some concern, tough-love style, by whacking him in the head with a vodka bottle until he falls over. Maybe you’ll jar something back into place. If not, when he calls you upon reaching the 12th step, do not offer sympathy, either. Tell him it can be found in the dictionary between ‘****’ and ‘syphillis’.
Borrowing your eyeliner, straightening his hair, stealing cashmere…. are you sure he’s not gay?
Hey Fish
Was this guy a friend of yours? An exboyfriend perhaps?
Wow…you need to think about this guy and if you want to spend more time with him. I had a boy (who had a substance abuse problem) who slept with his ex only a week after I supposidly broke his heart, I do miss him, he was great…but his priorities were getting drunk and high…instead of building a life together…think about this one.
Preferring drink over sex with a hot “fish”? One might question this young gentleman’s motives to begin with here. I can always find a beer, but a young lady like this is once (or twice) in a lifetime….
M stole my comment…
Maybe he got liquored up because he had to have sex with a GIRL.
bleh. aside from the drunken stupor of a weekend, which I could possibly forgive considering he obviously has a substance abuse problem, he stole your cashmere sweater??
simply unforgivable.
The eyeliner takes the cake! THAT is even more appalling than my ex wearing my lingerie – see post.
Don’t use that eyeliner again. It can cause eye infections.
Unforgivable.Just unforgivable.
haha M’s comment is great. But honestly, no self-respecting gay would act that assinine and rude!
favourite BLACK sweater???
any other colour and I might have gotten over it quicker…but black…c’mon
you shoulda kicked him in the junk when he left…
GASP!
And also, thank you so much for this Tawdry/Tell-All Thursday post. I enjoyed it ever so much and on so many levels. I am looking forward to next Thursday with the same sort of anticipation as earlier this evening when I was waiting for Nigella Lawson’s Molten Chocolate Babycakes to come out of the oven
Whee!
god what a wanker!
and glad u picked my “tell all thursdays”!
i totally sympathize with you … the problem is that wankers like that is that he gives the rest of us a bad name. Believe it or not there are a few nice guys around who actually enjoy sex (tis true!) … i seem to remember when a quickie was two hours and a bottle of white wine.LOL
you handled it pretty well. if i was in your position, i would have put him in a hotel.
And? This is what you post? You are BORING!
KCB12: Why don’t you show us YOUR blog, champ? Let’s have a look-see at how boring you are.
Is that 12 for your age?
Lurker here–I love love love this post.
KCB12 = No the 12 is for the IQ
Fish, you should hunt him down and kick him in the jimmies!
Commenter Barbara E: “Asshat” is my new favorite word — thanks.
ugh, how horrid. I have a similar story, except the guy was only that drunk for a night and terribly hungover the next day. A little bit lucky for me, he was a bit more of a pot smoker. Still…
I have an ex named Tim… and I haven’t met a Tim since that has made me change my opinion of the name. *sorry to all the decent Tim’s out there… I’m sure you exist, I just haven’t met you*
Torrie, your experience does top all… I shamefully admit I may have passed out during sex once– I think it was more like blacking out, but since the memory is real patchy there’s no telling. My only defense is that I was not the one to initiate sex. And I feel somewhat warranted seeing as how I was neither his f*** buddy nor his girlfriend. For a whole year. yeah, NEXT!
Why do your commenters have so much trouble being civil to someone who disagrees with them? Is it so difficult to understand that there are people in this world who don’t fall over themselves fawning over every word you write?
It always amazes and frightens my senses when this universal truth is proved over and over and over and over…
http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/