Last week, I got an email from a potential suitor, declaring he had a crush on my profile. Well, that’s kinda cute, I thought, and hit reply. We exchanged a couple of messages (literally, TWO), and then I got bored with him. He wasn’t all that funny or particularly clever, and his insistence that we chat on instant messenger (I uninstalled mine many moons ago) was a bit too Degrassi Junior High for me. So, I didn’t write back.
But he did. Three more times the same day. And then again late that night (“Are you awake?”). When I got home from Austin yesterday, there were five unread messages from the guy in my inbox. All varying degrees of boring, except the last one, which amuses me to no end:
Theres too much drama in your life.
Thanks for the interest but I dont think we are a match. Hope your situation improves soon.
Regards
V
At first, I just stared at the message thinking he must have gotten me confused with someone else. What drama? Wait, do I have drama I don’t even know about? I mean, to me, that’s like finding money in my pants pockets. But then I realized, that it was just boy-speak for sour grapes. You can’t reject me, because I reject YOU. Because of… your drama!
Oh, man, that’s classic. I’m just glad he let me down gently… and without apostrophes. Otherwise, it might sting.
Hey gal… at least the waste-of-time-guys are starting to weed THEMSELVES out for you.
You could always send him a link to this column for the Ultimate Burn!
HAHAHA! At least now he has that closure that men are always looking for in a relationship…lol
That is right up there with “girls have cooties!!”
I’m sad to hear you are having such “luck” with online dating!
Oh wow! So pretty much this guy fell in love, had a torrid romance and then broke it off because it got too intense for him all unbeknown to you. He’s probably got a rap sheet as long as his arm.
That’s hilarious. He must be a Cancer.
What a snotty thing to say! Because you didn’t write him back after two whole messages, you now have drama and a “situation”?
Since when does lack of connection equal drama? I must have way more drama in my life than I thought, because I run into tons of guys that I don’t find very interesting.
The only one with a “situation” here is him. . .an attitude like that won’t get him very far with most self-respecting females.
Hey Fishie,maybe you should drive to Austin every time a guy seems interested. it seems to be the ultimate idiot filter. Good thing you found out now how weird he was before he actually learned your address and started driving by to make sure you are home.
This is probably one of those Askmen.com readers gone terribly wrong… so sad
Hey Capriduncan, Fish is a cancer! I’d think you’d have figured that out being such an astrological genius and such.
I would though reinstall your IM program, just because it is the ultimate idiot filter. It will save you many a painful coffee date.
Oops, guess I pushed a button, didn’t mean to. Astrologically speaking, women and men are very different. Cancer women are not as needy as the men are. No offense intended to you Fish.
Never underestimate the power of an apostrophe!
Man I have gotten so many emails like that from “wow I’m glad I found out this early they’re crazy” internet guys. I can promise you one thing: this is NOT the last you will hear from him. Give him two weeks to settle down, and the messages will start rolling back in, saying things to the effect of how you ‘owe each other another chance’ and ‘people like you don’t come along every day’. Mark my words.
Hey, I think I met this guy’s East Coast brother. Same deal. Once I made it clear I wasn’t interested, I got several emails in a row, followed by one a day later, saying that he felt it best we “go our separate ways and end this relationship” We’d never even met in person! Men are sooo bizarre.
Apostrophe’s rule!!
(or is it Apostrophes?)
Sigh.
Thanks for sharing! That made me laugh out loud! Too funny…
Thank God it’s not just me….I’m on eharmony and love the guys who close the match after reviewing my profile and select “I don’t feel that the chemistry is there” or “our family backgrounds are too different” — LMAO! Um, you can assess chemistry based on a (relatively generic but comparatively interesting) 500 word profile? Impressive! Superman’s got nothing on you! And you’ve compared our family backgrounds – though you know nothing about my family background because I share not even a molecule of family data? Genius! You are now filed under “the ones with supernatural powers that got away…”
HA! Hilarious! I too hate men who insist on Instant Messaging…that and text messaging! I once had a guy friend ask me to proofread the text message he was sending to his girlfriend telling her that he loved her (for the first time). That conversation went a little something like, “So let’s start with the basics. Put the phone away.”
Oh. My. That’s a hilarious story and ridiculous man. I had a simlar experience online… what is up with their inability to accept they aren’t what you’re looking for?
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! (It’s moments like this that make me sooooo glad I’m still single!) Sigh….”boys”.
Wait until next week. He’ll be back with pleas to give this thing another go and promises to learn to better cope with all your drama.
Ahhh, the memories. At one point I had so many similar stories from online dating I could write a book. Alas, after 3 years I was able to give it up. I’ve met the man of my dreams through a setup from a friend. Though the entertainment it provided to me and my friends was priceless.
Oy vey.
See, and then there’s the part of me that would want the last word. Childish? Perhaps… but I might reply “Thanks. Having received this email, I’d say my situation has already improved considerably.”
Oh definitely glad to see that he didn’t bother to use the apostrophes! Those things are like little tiny whips and they can most certainly sting!
Hope moving went well!
Oh my god – what a loser! Guys are so stooooopid!!!
I think I got a couple emails from that same guy a couple years back. Is he a professional balloon animal artist, by chance? Does he keep chickens and like to “danse”?
My two takeaways from online dating were, if the guy emails too often, it’s not going to work out; and, if he starts using endearments right away, it’s because he doesn’t want to have to remember your name. Here’s to drama!
Oh, I got dumped once for having too many issues. (To him, that amounted to me talking to my last ex.) I was all, “Great! I’d rather you break up with me now before you REALLY find out how many I’ve got!”
I told this to someone who knew him, and she was all, “Oh please, he once hit his brother in the mouth with a shovel.”
At least he let you know before it was too late of his dislike for correct apostrophe use. Or, rather, for using apostrophes at all.
That’s so freaking funny, it’s priceless… (sounds similar to a few experiences I had in the past)
I agree he’s saved you from a LOT of idiotic crap, but I do also agree that he’ll be back at some point in the near future, b/c it’ll drive him totally nuts that you never responded. The online dating thing really can be quite comical, at least for the non-dramatic types. Maybe you should reconsider, you know, for the sake of some stories worth sharing..?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That made me laugh hysterically…at my desk…at the office….where people could hear…and see…Thanks for that one. Made my workday a WHOLE lot more interesting.
Kind of makes you wanna say “So so suck my toe, all the way to Mexico” doesn’t it?
Ugh….MEN!!!so typical of them.
Make ye not the same mistake I did, which was REPLYING to the ridiculous brush-off. We met once (through match.com) in real life, it just wasn’t happening, and this warranted an email from him. As if I were some drooling idiot incapable of scrying that we hadn’t hit it off. I sent him a retort email to that effect and suffered Emailer’s Remorse almost immediately.
I think he writes a blog called “without me, things are just aweso….”
Ugh! Online dating… Thanks for reminding me how atrocious it can be, which can go both ways for guys AND girls. I paid for a 6 month membership on Match.com only to email 3 people with no success. I’ve let it lapsed now for a while, and I finally had the courage to sign up for a 1 year membership at some other online dating service just so I can ignore it too! What a way to spend my hard-earned cash. We’ll see how that goes.
Congrats on the break-up! He sounded…awesome.
Had to emerge from lurkdom to not only tell you I adore your blog and covet your way with words but to say (like so many others), I’ve been there. My favorite was the guy who, after one email exchange, sent me a text that said “U MEET ME AT HUSTONS AT 8″. First of all, it’s Houston’s (even in texts, spelling and apostrophes are important, no?) and second of all, um, no thanks. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer to be asked out, not demanded out.
Ha ha ha! I wonder if that guy is reading all this. How humorous.
ha ha! that’s awesome. boys are so dumb.
Brings back so many memories of online dating… can’t say that I’ve been successful in other dating arenas lately, but had to take a break from the interweb stuff.
Meanwhile, your story (and those of the commenters above) brought some much-needed belly laughs today. Thanks for that!
Sitcoms for all occassions this time. Seinfelds “George doesn’t like it when George is treated this way.” He should dig a hole and hang out with the nocturnal dirt people. Yeah, I’m jealous that you answered him and don’t say boo or yay to some of us other potential mail suitor shnooks. In a future blog you may want to refer to him as The Orson Welles auteur of online dating.
On a side note, the Iguanas from New Orleans relocated to Austin as well as the Neville Brothers. You got some ‘cream of the crop’ performers in your neighborhood.
Hey Fish,
Just a quick note to let you know that i’m breaking up with you, too. At first, i thought our relationship was perfect. We never seemed to argue or fight. But then i realized that we have never communicated at all, and i realized i couldn’t continue this relationship. I can’t live my life with someone i’ve never met. So i’m keeping the ring that you don’t know about and i’m calling it off. I know how hard this must be for you. But please understand, and please try to get over me as soon as possible. Oh, by the way, my name is Jeff.
Oh my gosh, are you OKAY? You must be devastated to lose such a fine catch! Clearly it was your drama. A specimen like this doesn’t come along every day…
snort
damn, i read this site but am usually too lazy to write anything in the comments section… BUT, I once had this guy start sending me horrible messages on myspace because I hadn’t written him back in a timely manner (or at all). I think he even wrote something juvenile like calling me “pizza face” in regards to my acne. It hurt but it was still ridiculous so I couldn’t get too offended.
Oh dear, what a ridiculous litte man! I think you’ll hear from him again… Maybe he’ll try to give one more chance to this ‘relationship’ inspite all your ‘drama’…
Ha. He said “Regards.” Who fake-breaks up with someone and then says… “Regards”?
One time I had an ex email me after at least 4 months of no contact with the subject line “an olive branch” and a message that started with:
“Maybe it’s time I stopped being mad at you. Don’t get me wrong; I usually think of you as an ungrateful bitch.”
Hmm…what’s not to love?!
Fish–we’re BFF!
Jeff,
As a long-time friend of Fish’s whom she doesn’t know, I can’t believe how you’ve treated her. If that’s how you are when the going gets tough, I can’t continue not being your friend either! I say when it’s over, and it’s over now!
Oh that is CLASSIC.
Pre-emptive strike from a weenie. Meh.
Oh, so this is where the support group of online date goers, that didn’t end up finding a great catch, are at. I’ve been looking for you all! My life is surrounded by “success” stories, and I thought it was just me that had qualifiers of well written, multi-dimensional, and ideally, intelligent, characteristics in a mate………..met most often by punctuation and capitalization free prose and nearly void of socialization skills. Sadly, I met some of them in person, and before the ever important “get out of date emergency” plans were created. Doh. Time that is forever gone from my life.
Wish I had found your blog YEARS sooner, Fish. I took the long road of learning many of your lessons all on my own. I imagine I might have gotten my head out of the sand sooner if I’d been privy to your diatribes much earlier. Maybe. I buried it pretty deep for a while. Aaah, the clarity of the rear view mirror.
Okay – back to lurking my way through the archives.
Fish – Just a short story to let you know how long this guy is going to hold on to your “drama” filled life:
I actually went out last Thursday night with a group of people I didn’t really know. One girl in the group, we’ll call her Katie, was having a dramatic night, unfortunately, I started it. I was talking to this guy, who was attractive and in the same field as me and he looks up at Katie and asks, “Is that girl’s name Katie?” I say, “Yes, why?” He proceeds to tell me that in 2004 (2004!!!!) he was to meet her out for coffee (after meeting on Match.com)and she never showed up. He then went on for about 20 minutes about how bitchy she is etc. When I walked away I informed her of this creepy scary guy that was trying to hit on me while talking about his anger for her. UGH! Dating in real life is much scarier! At least online you can get their anger out before you meet them. Glad I didn’t give him my number.
I tried to post something a while ago, but it didn’t register — if it was deleted, apologies for reposting, but I’m just supposing there was a glitch.
Basically, your suitor was annoying and presumptuous. But was it necessary to highlight how sad and transparent the last email was? In wishing you well, albeit in a backhanded and ill-punctuated way, he showed a larger spirit than your post did.
I couldn’t disagree more! He did it to get a reaction, or to be the one to do the “leaving.” He wouldn’t have emailed me five times, each message getting needier, if I really wasn’t a good fit. He could have ignored me, as I did him, if he were a true grown up. That’s not a large spirit – that’s a petty, ridiculous one.
I won’t give him the satisfaction of being petty right back in email. I do it here. Because that’s the kinda spirit I am.
Ha! Loved this one. I’ve really come to believe that it’s most men who are dramatic and emo. To top it off, the most dramatic are the ones who say they don’t like drama.
Once, I was dating a man I met on eHarmony and we got all close on email and the phone before we met (yes, I was a virgin to these things) and then we went out a few times and he’s all encouraging about “us”, how I’m the perfect woman for him and then after the last date at Balthazar he sends me an email saying that I want more from the relationship than he does. Umm, huh?
Oh, btw Fish, I’m breaking up with you b/c obviously you want more from this relationship………
i know ‘das right, girl…
i think your post was brilliant, as is everything you write. i can’t wait for the meet and greet here in austin. we are sooo going to be friends.
You have a better sense of him from the email/IMs, but from what you said, I think he did it to do the leaving — to save face, which is a peculiar notion in an electronic communication anyway. It sounds childish, and pathetic, and kind of amusing. I’m still not sure why you took that as an invitation to one-up him by shaming him before a broader audience — even though you kept his anonymity, I’d wager it feels worse to be mocked that way — but I guess we just disagree.
Yeah I agree he’s trying to get some attention. And whether you’re looking at context or the lame attempt to salvage an insecure ego…his words reeks of pettiness, even over cyberspace.
LOLs, and Fish…I’m so glad that’s the kinda spirit you are–you have and tell the best stories. Honest.
Clyde, here’s a piece of information for you: douchebags do not know that they are douchebags. In other words, drama dude would not feel shamed/outed/embarrassed if he were to stumble upon the Fish blog. He would not recognize himself as the subject of this anecdote; he would agree w/Fish 150%; then he would hit on her. Got it? He’s a douchebag.
Barbara, I’m not sure why you have to be patronizing, or why you feel so comfortable generalizing about the immutable characteristics of all douchebags. But as to the “piece of information,” I was supposing that drama dude might read the blog — and recognize his actual words. Perhaps that’s stupid; but if he did, it seems pretty implausible to me that he would not recognize himself. (Aside: NOT me.) If it’s only a question of whether drama dudes, as part of a broader class, recognize themselves as among the type of person being mocked, I probably agree with you, and think no harm’s done anyway.
The same thing happened to me with a guy online. He didn’t say he had a crush on my profile or anything, but I realized he wasn’t right for me after I looked at his profile. I gave him a shot with a few emails, but he clearly was different from me.
After a few of them, I told him I was busy but that I wished him good luck in dating. So he wrote back and said, “We are not a match. I do not like your new photo at all.”
Like with your guy, he clearly was trying to save face by insulting me.
However, Fish, I do think you were partially at fault here by not telilng the guy you weren’t interested. After you’d had a few back-and-forths, you could have let him know, so that he would stop e-mailing you…maybe?
I guess after 2 emails you don’t necessarily owe him much.
I see nothing wrong with a guy asking you to IM, but might as well use the phone. IM takes forever.
sour grapes.
I respectfully disagree that Fish is at fault here. I don’t know that two quick emails obligate her to explain anything to this joker. In the online dating world, drifting away is perfectly acceptable. Conversations end. Normal people get it. Abnormal people break up with you…..and then they stalk you.
I never comment here…but in this case I have to. I once got dumped by someone I wasn’t dating. We had made out a few times when he was separated from his wife who had been cheating on him for months…we were basically rebounding together…and I kept trying to get away from him to no avail…and then he called me out of the blue and “dumped me”…yet I had no idea we were dating, and actually thought things were over. It was ridiculous.
Interesting. That’s called a “stupid man”. They flock towards enticing and beautiful women – then lose it. Sad. Their behavior stems from the social characteristics that we have now created for ourselves within society due to a fast paced lifestyle and instant communication. Instant gratification is taking over.