A couple of weeks ago, someone left a note in the comments section linking to a column that struck me as particularly poignant. I’ve lost the link, and by extension, the author’s name. But I emailed this paragraph to a friend,
“You have but to take a peek in the comments section below this column, any column, any article on this or any news site whatsoever, to see just how mean and nasty we have become. It does not matter what the piece might be about. Obama’s speech. High speed rail. Popular dog breeds. Your grandmother’s cookies. The anonymous comments section of any major media site or popular blog will be so crammed with bile and bickering, accusation and pule, hatred and sneer you can’t help but feel violently disappointed by the shocking lack of basic human kindness and respect, much less a sense of positivism or perspective.”
There’s been a lot of that here, lately. And it eats at me. Because, for the most part, it’s been in response to some pretty heartfelt stuff – the kind of stuff I started holding back because the internet can be a really nasty place. I’m not bringing this up as some Call for Entries from sycophants. I get that you may not value the same things. You may not agree with me. You may not even like me. I’m a big girl – I don’t need to be friends with everyone on the playground. But what has bothered me intensely is that the hated and lack of kindness or basic respect has gotten so personal. What’s more, people leave insulting, demeaning comments in the name of friendship or loyalty and yet do in total cowardice, behind the cloak of anonymity.
Anonymous henpecks all sorts of negativity into my comment section but the second I fire back, I’m… well, I’m all manner of things and none of them nice. And okay, yes, I should be above it. I shouldn’t care what strangers say. But guess what? I care. I care, among other things, that people talk to me like I’ve got the intelligence of a used Q-tip. I care that people call me names.
I can’t change what people do, but I can change what goes on here. So, in the future, if you’d like your comments to be published, I’d simply ask that you leave behind your name. You have mine. I’m not hiding behind anything. So, that’s it. If you’re going to sneer at me, please have the balls to own up to it.
Hey Heather, just wanted to say, eff the negative nancys, I love reading your column find you incredibly honest and funny..your life and mine have followed similar paths so I feel a little kinship towards you as a result of this. Meaning = I will back you up in the playground fight any day
Ditto to Jess’ last statement.
Ha! Thanks! Dude, if it comes down to an actual playground fight, I will probably run. Just so you know.
H
I like this entry. A lot. And, BTW, my name is Davita. Nice to “meet” you all.
I never read comments anymore, if it’s a news story, etc. People are just mean for the sake of being mean, because they can be mean.
Good for you for saying what’s on your mind. Good or bad, this is your place to vent as you see fit. We are just visitors in your kingdom.
Here’s your link: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2010/01/29/notes012910.DTL
It was left by “mn” on your Mightly post.
Nice work! I don’t know why I couldn’t find it again.
I totally agree. People can be just plain rude. If they don’t like a blog or a website or anything then just plain stop reading it.
I was going to say that there is a setting that lets only non-anonymous people comment but it looks like you now have it set.
P.S. Love the blog. Always have… always will. I miss you writing more. You’re funny. : )
Word. I think that’s fair.
Completely agree. Shouldn’t get to hide behind “anonymous” if you’re going to be a jerk (I’d prefer people just weren’t jerks at all, but that doesn’t seem to be the reality…).
Have really enjoyed your recent posts!
Amen sister! Well said, and thanks.
wow! i’m sorry that you’re dealing with this.
yours was one of the first blogs that i started to follow. i now have my own blog and have met great friends through it. thank you for being so honest with all of us.
sending good thoughts you way
It’s pretty appalling what people will say when they can see your face. I used to work in call centres and it became the most demoralizing daily trial. I can’t stand to read the comment sections on very many sites because of the e-bile.
As a long-time reader, I appreciate and admire your growth, and while the wildly personal entries are fewer now (with legitimate reason), they are gold. Please continue with this and don’t let the cowardly d-bags getcha down. I love the web and all it holds, but the implied intimacy and right-to-contribute is sick.
Well, it’s not that I want my comment to be published (you can if you want, but hey, I’m a bit rebellious, which is probably why I am not playing nice and leaving my name).
However. I love reading your writing. Your wit brings a smile to my face, the care of your word choices is a skill I wish I had, and, of course, tuning in every week, I feel like I know you. I feel validated for being the slighly nerdy, maybe at times insecure, but generally healthy and caring person that I am. As a single girl doing the dating thing (or avoiding doing it, more lately) living in nyc, I’m so happy to see that you’ve found your true love. I love the humorous way that you write about frustrations, machinations, and meeting the disney princess. In other words, while I know that they won’t take away the sting of the other vipers online, I for one hope that you keep on keepin’ on. Because, you are, in a word, awesome.
My apologies: *can’t see your face.
Heather, that was so well stated! The negative and horrible nature of people is why I was so hesitant to start my own theraputic blog. There was enough drama out there, but I was talked into it…I just hope it stays as quiet as it has so far
You have proven over the course of writing this blog what a beautiful soul that you have; it is a shame that when you post something that speaks to you that others may not agree with they try to invalidate those feelings you may have on the topic. I for one thank you for being brave enough to continue even when you were not feeling it. You are a beautiful writer.
Amen sister! I was just having this conversation with some friends (and some strangers – it was at a bar where there are never any private conversations) and I was surprised at how many people aren’t upset by the total lack of social niceties because I really am! When did it become okay to be mean or hateful under the guise of being “honest”?
Its just like we learned in Kindergarten – if you don’t have anything nice to say then you needn’t say anything at all!
Heather, well done. This is definitely something that needs to be said. I’ve been reading your blog for years now – to me you’re a valuable insight into everything that is girl/woman, I can’t even remember how many people I’ve sent links to saying ‘here, read this. THIS is how I feel’. You, among others, inspired me to be a writer. And like you I’ve dealt with my fair share of internet hate.
What I don’t understand is when it became ok for people to vent their hate on a complete stranger over a simple difference of opinion. I don’t get where this venom comes from. Are these the feelings you take home to your husbands and wives? Do you kiss your children after wiping a dribble of vile anger off your chin?
What happened to saying ‘hey, nice post, but I disagree?’ and
engaging in a respectful discussion about it? I’m sounding whiny myself now, but I was brought up to believe in a modicum of respect. My mother taught me not to say anything if I didn’t have anything nice to say.
I think what we all need to remember is that on the other end of the computer screen lies another human being. Not some text producing machine, but a person . A person who has bared all and who has feelings, yes, even at some anonymous typer who has called them names.
Disagree, I say. Argue – fine. But yes, do it with a name and do it in the same way you would do to someone’s face. Don’t use your keyboard as an excuse for dropping your manners and basic humanity.
My name is Amy Bunch and I am an offical Fish Lover. So there!
For the sake of honesty, there are plenty of times when I’m reading blogs (including yours) that I find myself rolling my eyes at something that I find grating or simply can’t relate to very well. It’s a normal human reaction, I think. That being said, I would never leave a nasty and uninformative comment. It’s rude and shameful. I can’t imagine being so annoyed or angered by someone else’s words that I’d feel motivated to harass them about it online. The internet is not some gauntlet that needs to be thrown down, you know? If you don’t get anything positive from reading someone’s blog, then don’t continue coming back to read it.
Honestly, I think it boils down to cynicism, and there seems to be more than enough of that going around in our world. People forget that there are real people behind what’s written in our browser windows, and they lose sight of the fact that they don’t really “know” that person or their lifestyle. Are we so far from reality that we can’t conceptualize that what people blog about is really only a small fraction of who they really are? I just don’t get it, and I agree that it’s a sad state of affairs.
Anyway, I appreciate your candor here, Heather. Also, you have pretty hair. So there’s that then.
Heather,
I’ve been reading your blog ever since the article about it in the Dallas Morning News. I like to think that if I had a daughter, she’d be just like you — At least I hope so! (I have four sons, ages 45, 41, 33, 30.) I admire your courage and honesty and think you are a beautiful woman inside and out. I wish you and the Dark Lord all kinds of happiness.
Marie
Mean people suck. And people who are mean under cloak of anonymity are big fat cowards.
School ground bullies never die….the just get older and hide behind keyboards.
Plus I think people are forgetting one important thing… they don’t have to read your article. They have the ability to delete you from their favorites… it is a choice that they have made to continue reading. I personally love reading you! And there is an article of yours just recently actually, that I have copied and pasted and leave it as a draft in my outlook that I bring up and read when I need it because it makes me feel less alone in the world with the way I feel and who I am. There is no place for hatred in such a (no offense, please!) non-significant space with everything else going on in this world. People that hate are people who are unable to communicate or accept themselves, ideas or circumstances. Here’s to you Heather! To Happiness! And your head held up high! xoxo
Just thought I’d add another positive comment to bunch. Love your blog and love your honesty!
I really enjoy your blog, and as with everyone else I know, I don’t quite agree with everything they say… just as I don’t expect you or anyone else to agree with me on everything or take my perspectives as their own.
I feel that rude and demeaning comments just say more about the person who wrote them (especially those who go under the cowardice of anonymity) than they do about the subject. It’s an obvious reflection of their own inconsiderate clogged up life. It seems people care more about making it sting than actually intelligibly presenting their side or opinion.
Nonetheless, I’m sorry you have to deal with it… and like I said… I enjoy your blog and reading about what’s going on in your life.
Heather, I love your Blog! Don’t let the negatism get the best of you. In the words of a some country song I forget the name of: God great, beer is good and people are crazy!
Keep up the good word girl! I for one can totally relate to alot of what you say here.
High fives!
I always leave my name. But I tend to play nice
hey there – this is a really great post and i’m sorry those hateful people have chosen you to attack with vile words and name-calling. i love reading your blog and i know it’s a huge risk to put yourself out there, even in blog form. whatever the topic may be, you are so witty and such a delight to read.
never gonna get any nasty comments from this becca!
See now that’s one thing I don’t get about the blogging world: why you even give negative comments the time of day. And I know my lack of understanding is probably because I don’t blog myself and don’t know what it’s like to put myself out there nor am I aware of of the rules and etiquette of hosting a blog so I apologize if my ignorance comes off as negative or inappropriate. But like I think if I did have my own blog I would be exercising the delete button on a regular basis. Sometimes I even do that mentally when I read your comments; when I reach a negative one I roll my eyes and think “well, they don’t get it,” and I move on to the thoughts of your other wonderful and much more pleasant readers. I guess I just think that this is your blog world and we’re just visiting it, so if you want to zap the negativity that some of us bring with only the click of a button, I for one would understand and even encourage it. Man, if I only had a delete button for everyday life…
amen
people aren’t nice. girls, boys, friends, frenemies, none of them. i often wonder how these people who are virtually mean would actually be in person. my guess is two-faced.
your blog is one of the only ones where the author fights back. you say, yoga teacher, someone says, hopefully you’re not commercial, then you say, suck it asshat.
i realize that you let them get under your skin, but it’s worth it to read comments and see that little handcuff icon (or whatever it is) indicating you’re ready to fight.
it’s better is when a ton of people gang up on one person.
Hi there Heather
I have read each and everyone of your blog entries and I admire your writing, your style and your honesty and to those you criticise and write dispariging remarks – Go to Hell! If you have nothing nice to say don’t say it!!! There is no need to get rude no need to write something that will ruin someone elses day. No one wants to read it we come here to read this because we ENJOY it we like seeing life thorugh your eyes, we enjoy hearing your trials tribulations and the joy and love you have now found. ITS A GOOD NEWS STORY it is also real. So why be bitter bitch and make fun of someone elses life. Its here to read and share in. Your doing great and I admire and respect you. I read the things you and your dork lord are going through and sypathise my partner and i met and moved in after 4 months its love and we are happy and struggling with finances and making it work every day. Well done to you both. x
I am glad you wrote this. I have to stop myself from reading comments as well, because it has made me believe there are just no more decent people out there. The internet just takes everything to a whole new level of crazy. I usually leave my name as Dani – but full name is Danielle Martineau – nice to “meet” you Heather. I’ve been a big fan for many years now and would back you up anytime
funny, Kris over at Not Yet a Wino wrote a very similar post on this subject today as well – I guess there is an abundance of anonymous negativity out there right now
it’s natural to not agree 100% with everything you read, but that is no reason to be mean for the sake of being mean which is what the majority of those comments are all about
I don’t agree with everything you write and with every decision you make but who cares? not my life and I still enjoy reading what you write even if I don’t agree with it all the time – makes life more interesting, no?
Hi Heather,
I have never commented before, though I am an avid reader of your blog. I just wanted to say a huge, huge thank you to you for helping me to get through the toughest situtation of my life recently, when I broke up with a significantly older boyfriend who I believed was the love of my life, after 3 years together, because he didn’t want to have kids. Just knowing that someone else had gone through something similar, had their heart ripped out, and not only survived but had found a lovely man who loved them and wanted the same things in life as they did gave me the strength to go on on those days when I honestly felt I could never be happy again. Just thought you should know that your honesty and ability to express what lots of us are feeling really does make a difference. Keep up the good work and don’t let the haters get you down.
I don’t follow your blog all that much, I admit it. I don’t even remember how I came across it. What I do remember is that I once read this http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/archives/2007/01/misunderstanding.html and it really truly sincerely honestly.. touched me.
Every once in a while I come back to check on you, hoping to see a happy ending.
So please, don’t get upset by other people’s stupidity. Just focus on giving ME a happy ending to read about
Yourself should be all that matters to you.
I’ll be sure to check on you again one day
I applaud you for continuing to put yourself out there. You write beautifully and I hope you won’t let the turkeys get you down. Sign me “not a sycophant, just someone who appreciates good writing and the courage to write.”
Know what, if someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to read it. I enjoy your misadventures, even when they may seem silly to me, it’s not my place to be mean. For no other reason than I chose to come to your blog, and read it. Silly, heartbreaking, insightful, always it is my choice. Keep on doing what you do, and know that the people who criticise are a small portion of the minions who adore you!
I have thought the same thing for years now. I read stories on the internet and no matter what the story is about, the majority of people that comment are ignorant, rude and just plain mean. I always tell everyone that reading comments sections on the internet makes me HATE people. Some folks are miserable creatures, and you can’t do anything to help them.
Oh, and I always leave my name when I comment here.
Good for you Heather! Keep writing from the heart and remember that reading your blog is a choice. Keep deleting all those jerks who hide behind anonymity and they’ll learn to not say anything if they don’t have something nice to say!!!
BTW, very happy to hear about the developments with the Dork Lord! You deserve it.
I think that’s completely fair and reasonable. I have mine set up to moderate.
And for the record: I’ve been reading your blog for years. You give me hope that things will work out for me one day.
Good for you! I have never commented before but I’m glad you are doing what you are doing. It needed to be said. And people need to be accountable for their comments.
Love, Love, LOVE your blog! When I get down about all the jacka**es in the world I remember the time I did a 60 mile walk for Breast Cancer and all the people I didn’t know who came out and cheered me on – or about the time my sister went to the grocery store for me because I was having a bad life. My point – there are a lot more good kind people in the world than rotten ones – the rotten ones are just louder sometimes. We have to learn to tune them out. You are the best and any day I get to read a new post is a good one. Keep it up!
It has amazed me more and more lately how something positive can be so easily dragged down such an ugly path through people’s comments! I hate to think that people are so angry and unhappy.
I can also say that yours is the first blog I ever read and I always look forward to what you have to say (and how you say it)and like Vie said, “you give me hope that things will work out for me one day.” I only wish I had an ounce of your talent.
People are atrocious sometimes Heather. A good friend of ours was murdered a few years ago and you wouldn’t believe the things people were saying! Awful!
Either way – you deserve to be happy. If you want to wear a twist tie on your ring finger, then kudos my dear! Keep on writing!
Since I (recently) became a mom and started occasionally (god help me) visiting mom sites/boards/blogs, I have found those places harbor the absolute meanest, most vicious, competitive, strident, awful comments I have ever heard, either in real life or online. Among women! Moms! Not that I think all women should get along, love each other, etc., but it just makes me sad as a female and a person. Anyway, just a roundabout way of saying they’re everywhere — hiding and lurking behind their computers — don’t let ‘em get you down.
I linked to that very article on my Facebook and sent it to my closest friends… it was oh-so-true.
I work for a newspaper, and the comments we get on news stories routinely make me sad and disgusted for much of humanity. I’d love to simply not read them, but it’s like a car wreck, you have to take a look as you’re passing by.
It’s funny how the web has made it possible for people to ignore the rules of common decency…
And even funnier is the fact that you referenced the playground when these people have essentially forgotten the very rules we learned in kindergarten. Things like: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
ROCK ON, GIRL! It takes guts to put all your personal stuff on the interwebz, and I admire you for it.
I was just reading an article this morning. It wasn’t anything special, but scroll down to the comments and whoah, nelly! That’s where the controversial stuff really is. People were SO NASTY! It was really upsetting and it really pissed me off. And they weren’t talking about me or my life, just my neighborhood.
This blog is awesome. If people don’t like it, they should start their own “I hate love and fun and happiness” blog and leave the rest of us alone.
I hope you blog about ring shopping! I know we’re all excited to hear how it went!
Cheers to your post.
Human decency still exists… the light always gets through the tiniest of cracks.
I used to get so upset at the meanies on the web… until I started picturing them. And you know, I’m pretty darn convinced that every single one of them lives in their mother’s basement on a paisley brown couch from the 70′s, with multiple screens around them, paranoid of the outside world while they spout off conspiracy theories… And don’t even get me started on what they must be like in highschool.
We wouldn’t give them the time of day if we met them on the street – let’s not give them any bit of our energy on the internet.
Anyway, nice to *meet* you. I’m a pretty new reader, and, like everyone, am touched by your words.
Amazing to read this today, as I was thinking about you and this blog on the way to work this morning…thinking about your last posting about going ring shopping and the negative comments you were getting, I was thinking how they would (even if they had no real role in my life) suck away at my happy moments, making me not want to post them. You are brave enough to post both the ups and downs, and I hope that you are strong enough to not let it get to you, (knowing full well they would get to me). I hope to follow your bliss and bumps for many years.
When I got to the end of this, I wanted to stand up and applaud!
I read that same article and it was fantastic, but I cannot remember who wrote it. I feel like I might have found it via a link dooce posted in her twitter feed.
Brava! And may I add that I have always thought that Carol Blymire’s comments policy on her blogs (French Laundry at Home and Alinea at Home) is perfect:
Your comments and questions are welcome. However, please think of this web site as if it were my dining room table, and make sure your comments reflect the manner in which you’d treat someone in their home, as if you’d only just met them and were sitting across from them, sharing a meal. I’ve got thick skin and can take constructive criticism (because ultimately, we all learn from it), but nasty, rude, grossly off-topic, attacking, baiting, or blatantly self-promotional comments aren’t welcome and won’t be posted. It’s just not cool.
Good for you!! Dont take any crap!
Hi Heather – Totally not a comment re: your post, but I can’t find an email address to send you a private message. I’m looking for the name of the place you stayed in Costa Rica. I remember that you raved about it and I’m interested in getting some info on it. Thanks in advance. Happy Humpday. -Sue
Good words, kiddo. I kind of get the feeling what has happened with the world is that all those people we came to hide on the Internet because of have now finally found it themselves. Like being busted moaning about an awful colleague at secret cafe meet-ups with the colleagues you can call your friends, the awful colleague has entered the room by chance and boy howdy, are they mad.
Hey Heather- I’m a regular reader but I rarely comment, as you have your hands full with hundreds of comments daily. However I agree with you on this.I hide behind a handle online because of what I do for a living, but I wouldn’t post anything I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Since my earliest forays on the net I’ve notice people use it as a vehicle to check their manners at the door.
Often times when I don’t agree with someone on their PERSONAL blog (as in hey this is where i talk about my relationships, etc) I just don’t comment. I mean who is anyone to tear down anyone’s personal FEELINGS? Dicks, that’s who.
Keep your head up. I think you’re great and I love reading you. So don’t give it up if nothing else.
xoxo
And that is exactly why I very rarely ever read comments on anybody’s blog. Why are so many people so angry and hateful? And why do they insist on sharing?
Brava!
I was just talking to a friend the other day about how nasty people become when faced only with their computer screen and not a real person. Coincidentally, I was also telling another close friend of mine to start reading your blog again as you had returned to writing about the real things.
If things *still* continue to be nasty, you might consider getting a best blogger friend and you each moderate each others blogs to delete (or redact) the nasty stuff. That way you don’t have to read it about yourself. Hopefully, those people would get bored and move on to other pastures
Soochal,
In the mountains or the beach? We LOVED our stay in Arenal in the rain forest. Is that the place you mean? We stayed at Tabacon Hot Springs Resort and it was magic.
Well said, sistah.
Amen! I dislike reading comments on most sites because of the anonymous coward trolls. It is truly amazing what people will say when you don’t know who they are.
I LOVE your blog! I think you’re awesome!
You rock here, and your tweets are hilarious. I don’t know you at all, but I imagine we’d be friends. Pshaw to the dimwits who post negativity.
Good for you…poke at the sleeping dog. People need to realize that they still need to have basic manners eventhough it is online and anonymous. And I’m all for speaking your mind in favor or against but own up to it and sign your name.
I think your blog is great!!
I absolutely LOVE your blog and have been reading it for years! don’t change a thing! (from the impression i get on here) you’re a great person!!
well said. i have especially enjoyed your more personal recent posts.
odd how this topic seems to be everywhere all of a sudden. what’s sad is that this negativity has been migrating off the internet, as well.
i went to a lecture by elizabeth alexander, the inaugural poet, on monday night. during her lecture, she mentioned how common it is now to be mean-spirited and want to tear things down without attempting to put anything up in their place.
You go, girl! Someone did the same thing to me. I didn’t even bother to publish his/her comment because I just couldn’t stand reading it. My skin is not that thick. Because I care, too. But yes, nasty comments are uncalled for. And people who leave it because they can be anonymous are just cowards.
Good for you, Heather!
It’s a big Internet (and world)–too bad people don’t use their time for more constructive things than lurking others’ blogs & spewing nastiness. If I didn’t heart you, I’m sure I could find something else to read rather than spout some vitriol. Continued best of luck with all the heartfeltness of late
BRAVO
A very hearty bravo to this. I participate on numerous tv-fan related sites (yeah, I’m a geek
, and I’m appalled at how nasty people can get over someone having a different opinion on a television show. I can’t imagine how it would be to have those type of people comment on my personal life. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for years, and while I may not always see things the same way you do, I always appreciate that you’re willing to share.
I’m just glad this wasn’t a “farewell internet” post.
For the record, I’m Robin Vitucci from Chicago. Nice to “meet” you, Heather.
My name is Randy, and I approve this message!
Dear Heather,
I only comment occasionally because so many other comments are always here, and this one got more than most… I just wanted to share a theory that I have… (it’s been proven true to me over and over through the years) Those mean girls on the playground? they hag out early, because ugly always shows through… every one of the girls who were so beautiful, and so mean in high school that i’ve run into after looks old and mean and ugly now…and I’d have to bet that they are exactly the ones putting such poison on your site… I remember the tone of voice…
You, on the other hand, will always be beautiful and brave and talented.
You are one of my heros
Teresa A Tibbs
Morton Mn.
Dear Heather,
Haters are super fans in disguise. They are confused admirers who can’t get a life. I pity those pathetic creatures big time.
Love,
Stacey
Well, I think you’re GREAT and ALWAYS (over 5yrs now)enjoy reading what you have to say! So, dont change bc dammit people like you just how you are.
i totally agree with you. i get so frustrated when i read comments on pretty much any article thats out there on the internet. people bicker and say rude and sometimes disgusting things b/c they can hide behind their anonymity. good job on calling them out!
I regularly comment under another (silly) name but this is me being unanonymous. Please, Fish, don’t let those petty internet haters ruin it for the rest of us ardent admirers who hang onto your every word and live every day waiting for a new entry. Who think your boyfriend is better than our (imaginary) boyfriends. Who laugh when you are funny and cry when you are sad. Hi, my name is Monisa from Canada (homeless in Vancouver at the moment) and I *heart* you
Hugs, girl! We’re on your side.
Incidentally, I just discovered your blog YESTERDAY and can’t believe I didn’t find it sooner. I’ve made it my mission in life to read all of your entries. Best of luck in all your endeavors!