I sat in traffic last night on my way home via Fed Ex, nose-to-tail with a Toyota emitting an exhaust color that told me it had not passed any sort of inspection in years, checking and rechecking the digital clock on my dashboard. All I wanted was to make it home in time to fix dinner for my guy before his first trig test. Trigonometry, three weeks in, has been a beating. Teen Talk Barbie was not kidding when she said math is hard. I punched the Recycle Air button and made for the service road.
By the time I walked in the door, my internal stop watch was ticking off its thirteenth hour and I was telling myself it should be no sweat to fix dinner and then go for a run. It’s part of my standard pep talk about how lots of women have demanding jobs and families and daily runs and if they can do it, why am I struggling so?
I headed for the fridge and started making a pile on the counter. Onion. Chicken sausage. Broccoli.
“I was planning to go over to Ryan’s after my test.” He’d put down his graphing calculator to unload the dishwasher.
“Okay…” I put my hands on the counter and took a long breath.
“You sure?”
“Absolutely. You should absolutely decompress. Trig has been stressful. But just so you know, I am officially done coming home after 12 hours on the job and making dinner so you can spend your free time with other people.”
“…”
“I come home. I cook. You eat. You leave. I’m tired of feeling like a pit stop.”
And… cards, meet table.
“I’m sorry. I understand.”
That tempest had been a-brewin’ for some time, but feeling simultaneously resentful and guilty for it is like drawing lines in the sand with a fork. By the time you’ve finished making your mark and step back for a little perspective, those lines are already filling with sand and you’re left unconvinced they were ever really that clear to begin with.
I don’t cook dinner six nights out of seven because I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy of cooking down in my heart (where?) down in my heart. No, siree. That spiritual gift went straight to my siblings and left me grabbing for a box of cereal boasting “crunchy bran twigs” and a handful of almonds. The kicker being, I’m also totally satisfied with almonds and bran twigs. I cook dinner because a) he can’t, unless keen microwaving abilities count b) it saves us a lot of money over the alternative, “run out and get something” c) it’s how we exact a measure of control the quality of food we eat – organic produce, no artificial ingredients, humanely raised livestock and c) have you ever met a dude who thought cereal was dinner? I’m not saying my meals are gourmet by any stretch – a green vegetable or two, a lean protein – but it’s still time and effort.
It’s a prison of my own making, of course; I put myself in this role – primarily because it kept us from spending money and kept him out of the Jack in the Box drive thru. But over time, it’s become expected – that it’s simply my part to play. The Saturday afternoon, “What’s for lunch?” makes me feel like… well, there’s hardly any way to express it other than, a utility. Now, because he isn’t skilled in the kitchen, The Dork Lord is perfectly happy to say, “Drop that spatula, woman!” and take me out for dinner, but that’s the kind of thing that got us where we are now and also, hardly in the spirit of sacrifice that’s required to get where we want to go. That’s where my choices get really limited and I get resentful.
I know how simple it looks from the outside – how obvious the solution. If it makes you feel so crappy, don’t do it. But it took me a long time to get there. For someone who preaches against doing things out of obligation, it took me a long, long time to drink my own Kool Aid.
Because dinner is just a symptom of larger issue – one I’d thought we’d reached a breaking point/resolution on a couple of weeks ago. Every night for two weeks, almost without exception, the Boy had been disappearing after dinner to spend time with his friend, Ryan, who’d just lost his mother. I never said a word because I care about Ryan very much and I do not in any way begrudge him the comfort of company. I know very well what grief does when it gets its mitts around silence. But on Friday of the second week, I thought, maybe I could get a little time with my fiance. I don’t know, maybe even see a movie! I texted him with the suggestion.
Maybe after he finished his homework, he said. I told him to forget it. I could accept being second to school, third to Ryan and yes, even fourth to the god damned Dallas Cowboys every now and again, but I’d stopped registering altogether, it seemed – except at meal time. He apologized; he’d never meant to make me feel that way. I knew he hadn’t. That sort of thing is never intentional. And like most of our misunderstandings, it was over before it had really begun.
This is why marriage is hard – because you have to keep working, even when you’d rather say, “Enough. I need a nap.” It’s hard because when you’re not trying, the other person notices – and usually long before you do and then there’s damage to be repaired. It’s hard because forgetting to appreciate each other for the little bits of perfection that you first measured your happiness with is so very easy once you’re accustomed to their perfectness and they become mashed in with the rest of your busy lives.
When he says, “I’m sorry. I understand,” I know he does. He knows, without having to be told, that it’s not about the making of a meal. It’s about being taken for granted. Because I do it, too. Forget. Get busy and lazy about love.Take for granted how good and hard-working he is and how happy he makes me. And ultimately, being understood and loved is why, at the end of a long day, when things are frustrating and my feet are swollen and my shoulders are drawn too tight and I think, “Do I really want to do this for the next fifty years?” the answer will always be, “Yes. Yes, I do.”
Though, I think eventually we’re either going to have to hire a cook, or someone is going to have to learn to love Amy’s frozen burritos.
Thankyou so much for this post. Its nice every once in a while to hear other people having the same relationship hiccups you do yourself. I recently had to say enough on a certain type of too long accepted behaviour with my boyfriend, and when I did, it gave him pause. He came to see me a couple of hours later with a heartfelt sorry and a simple hug, and it made all the difference in the world.
Fish, you are wise beyond your years. That is all.
Beautiful post! As a newlywed (6 months, and we did not live together beforehand), I understand how easy it is to fall into a pattern. My husband, thank God, cooks–he actually does a little bit more of the cooking than I do, I think. But, I do all the “running the household” things that he forgets about (grocery lists, making sure there is food to cook for dinner, reminding him of his family’s birthdays, etc.).
I know how easy it is for me to take his cooking for granted, especially when I am extremely busy with grad school (and then get a terrible cold and don’t feel like moving). I also understand how quickly I feel taken for granted when I do the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. (And yes, we have two different definitions of the word “clean”)
Your last two paragraphs show that you know two most important components (patience and love) and the work involved for a successful marriage/relationship. I hope that things are smoother, at least for a while.
I have no advice on the relationship aspect of this post. I can, however, offer a food suggestion. Cook a big pot of something on Sunday afternoon — chili, beef stew, ratatouille — doesn’t really matter what; just make a LOT. Presuming you 2 don’t eat like baby elephants, this should keep you just fine through the week, plus maybe even through Saturday lunch. Is it a bit monotonous? Maybe. But better than being angry.
I was going to suggest something along the lines of what Barbara E commented, except I was thinking more like cooking big meals two or three times per week and then having the leftovers. Like soup or lasagna or chili or whatever. Then just a quick sandwich or salad would make the meal for several nights. I don’t mind eating the same thing two or three times per week.
I truly love and enjoy reading your blog! This made me kinda sad, though, and wonder … did I just stop trying? Anyhow, please don’t ever stop writing, and I wish you the best, bestest, with the Dork Lord. Your wedding is actually one that I’m looking forward to (I know, a little silly since I don’t know you and I won’t be attending), but in a way, I do feel like I know you and just rooting for the two of you!
I know this post was about more than just the dinners but have you ever thought about going to one of those “Dinner Done Right” places? I am sure most cities have them but here is the website of the one near us just so you have an idea (www.dinnerdone.com). It’s where you go once a month (or as frequently or infrequently as you want) and you prepare some meals there that are great for freezing. You can prepare as many as you want and their menus usually vary month to month. They have great recipes, things like Thai Chicken Pasta, Garlic Beef with a Mustard Tarragon Sauce, and Tilapia with Pesto Cream Sauce. They provide all the ingredients (you can leave out things you may not like), containers, and recipes. You just take put it together, take them home – stick them in the freezer and pull it out and heat it in the microwave/oven.
You could still make meals in between to make your $ stretch farther (they claim its about $3 per serving) – but at least on those days when you really don’t want to cook you have a back up plan. The Dark Lord could even just stick it in the oven for ya! The best part is that they offer wine and cookies that you can enjoy while you “prep”. I know a few friends that use it as a once a month date nite. They work together on the meals and get someone on one time in too! Double Bonus!
Best of Luck!
Of course, the main issue here is you feeling like your guy takes you for granted. I’m not going to offer suggestions on that matter. However, he can certainly take a more active role in making meals. My husband cannot cook to save his life, but he can use a microwave. We work together to plan meals for the week, and try to be creative with leftovers. This gives him the opportunity to pitch in without putting us through the pain of eating frozen meals on the nights he cooks.
Some examples: If I make grilled chicken and vegetables, I make enough for two meals. The following day, my husband reheats the chicken and veggies, pulls out some tortillas, cheese and salsa, and we have fajitas.
Last week, he put salad greens on two plates, chopped some veggies we had in the fridge, and reheated turkey chili I had made the night before. A scoop of chili on the salads with a dollop of low-fat sour cream was an excellent dinner.
The options are limitless. They just take some creative thinking and a bit of planning. We also have the agreement that if one person cooks, the other cleans the kitchen. That also helps equally divide the load.
The bottom line is that life is exhausting. My husband and I work together to share the load of household responsibilities because one person should not have to carry it all. Right now, you two are still working out the kinks. You’ll get there. It is important to speak up the way you did. That’s the only way to find a balance between you. Best of luck!
Hubby and I have been married nearly ten (!) years, and together for over 15. It is a constant thing, this needing to remember to appreciate. It is difficult, sometimes. And the guilt that goes along with the resentment, well, that can just twist you up in knots.
But you are doing absolutely the right thing! So many people let resentment fester until it blows up. You pointed it out, calmly, and he got the message.
You guys are doing it well!!!!!!!!
I guess I’m missing something, but why can’t he learn how to cook? You can teach him the basics and then it won’t be assumed that only you can do this particular task. It’s not that hard to learn how to chop veggies, sautee a sausage or steam something.
Yes. Absolutely yes.
Yes!! This is so dead on: “This is why marriage is hard – because you have to keep working, even when you’d rather say, “Enough. I need a nap.”"
Sometimes though, that is EXACTLY what I say. “Husband, I need a nap.” He has learned that that is my secret sentence and that he better just let me have my nap.
I love your honesty. Thank you fo much.
I’m with the other people who suggest cooking a lot and eating leftovers. I love cooking, but I do not have the energy to cook every night after working all day (plus, cooking involved things for one meal for one person is kind of tiresome). So I make a big batch of something on the weekend, and can then eat it for several dinners and/or brought-to-work lunches, and then another big batch of something else mid-week, and do the same. Gaps can be filled in with an evening where dinner is a sandwich or veggies and hummus, or cold cereal, or whatever. Also, if you have a crockpot (and if you don’t, I highly recommend getting one) you can dump everything in before you leave in the morning, and dinner is ready when you get home. And most crockpot-made meals freeze really well, so if you make soup or chili or curry or whatever, you can freeze half of it for quick meals in the future.
And I also second the suggestion of him learning some cooking basics. Cooking does not have to be difficult, and every grown-up should be able to make at least a few simple meals by themselves.
“It’s part of my standard pep talk about how lots of women have demanding jobs and families and daily runs and if they can do it, why am I struggling so?”
This is the problem with society now days.. that everyone thinks everyone else is able to do it, so why can’t I? And the truth is, everyone is thinking that.. so in actuality NO ONE can do it all.. if you try, something in your life is going to come up short. You have to prioritize and realize you’re not superwoman and you cannot do everything.. you just can’t.. no one can.. and anyone who appears to be able to, is lying and just putting on a good face. This brings up another reason I’m not having kids… the money, the time, the effort.. life’s so freakin tough as it is, unless you’re that person who’s already a mom to everyone, it’s not going to be what you thought.. and you have to make kids a priority, so other stuff suffers – your relationship, your finances, etc. If you think you guys take each other for granted right now.. imagine what having kids will do. So you have to set your priorities and stick with them.. for your own sanity. Maybe cook him a good meal on extra hard school days.. other days suck it up that you can’t eat perfect every day and go get some pizza. Life’s too short to stress so much.. you deserve to enjoy your life because it goes quick.
Just wanted to say that your writing is exceptional. You have expressed perfectly how I feel at times – thanks.
Okay People,
IMHO some of you are listening to the wrong things. The way I read it, this post is not really at all about the meals. It’s about the available quality time spent together, and more importantly how we resolve issues like that. We’ve all been in relationships where we’ve either held something in and quietly resented the other, or inadvertantly took our gf/bf/dw/dh for granted. It’s about being comfortable to express when a limit is either being approached, or has been reached.
At the risk of generalizing and angering the mob, sometimes you all listen like men instead of like women. (let’s see what hell I hath wrought). No one asked you to solve the problem of making dinner.
Hoo-boy do I feel you on this one. Our closest friends (who are really more like my husband’s closest friends) recently hit a bit of a snag in their marriage. My husband winds up unofficial therapist to both of them and the next thing I know, I haven’t seen him in three weeks because “Joe wants to meet for a drink” or “Jane really needs to talk”. In between all this, we hang out with them together twice a week for dinner and I can’t remember the last evening I spent alone with my husband.
The other night after we were on our way home from running with “Jane”, he mentions that she invited us over for dinner. I say that I don’t really want to go because we always stay late and I need to get to bed early. He goes “well you don’t have to come, I’ll just go”. Um, what? “Well, she’s really upset and she’ll just be sitting home by herself otherwise.” To which I responded “If you go over there, I will be sitting home all by myself [you moron].”
My point, if I have one, is that it’s time to address this. Thanks for giving me the courage.
Neil, this is exactly why I cherish you. Seriously. You must have been your AP English Teacher’s dream student.
OK, so Neil’s the big brain of the night. I don’t give relationship advice because I don’t have any. I’m just glad my 2nd marriage is more successful than my 1st.
And if we’re thinking like men w/our problem-solving skills, what’s the bad? If we keep this up, maybe we’ll start earning like the men do instead of 3/4 of what they earn.
And finally, all of our ideas are good ones which have worked for us in the real world of work, relationships, child(ren) and/or pets.
The what’s-for-dinner issue is solved, and Fish and Dork (you must have some wedding takeaway w/this printed on it along w/the date)can now address the relationship issues calmly over a delicious bowl of something. Even if it’s cereal.
Have you ever read the book “The Gastronomy of Marriage?” It is a really quick, good read. A memoir. It basically talks about the same premise of your post…cooking + relationship and how the two fit together and what it really means when you are arguing about an eggplant. Ha!
Great post!
Oh, dearest Heather – I’m currently 4 days before the wedding and these are the EXACT lessons I need to keep in mind.
I know it’s going to be hard. I know it’s going to take work. But I also know that this is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. “Being understood and loved” is really what it’s all about.
Thank you so much for this post!
I sent this to my husband. We have the same cooking issue for as long as we’ve been together. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Regarding “It’s part of my standard pep talk about how lots of women have demanding jobs and families and daily runs and if they can do it, why am I struggling so?”
I wonder the same thing. I have no idea how they do it. And Carrie Boo, are you me in disguise?
Fish, this post was wonderful. You express some of my frustrations (and joys!) so well.
I know this feeling. You captured it perfectly. Hubs works 2 jobs and is in school… I work 2 “part-time” jobs, do all the kid stuff (why did I let my kids sign up for so many activities?) plus carry the child that is on the way… Life gets busy, we fall into patterns- often of our own choosing- and then we somehow end up feeling resentful.
But you summed it up in those last 2 paragraphs. That is what it is all about…
And while Neil seems to think that addressing the issue of getting dinner on the table is not the point of this post (and it’s not… but it is an issue to which I can relate), I know that doing some meal planning with my cooking-impaired hubs has helped a lot with my feelings of stress and taken-for-granted-ness over meals. I have a few crock pot recipes that he can just dump everything in the crock in the morning and we come home to a real, tasty dinner. The crock pot is magic- it’s the appliance that keeps on giving! And it can be very healthy, too (not to mention it saves us a ton of $.) You and the Dork Lord have to find the balance that works for you, and I wish you luck in it! But don’t forget that no one does it without help- and the crock pot can be a bigger help than you would ever imagine!
Hey, don’t knock the Amy’s frozen ethnic entrees! They have provided me with many a guilt-free “I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE” meal. I say, take care of your relationship first and let the food slide every once in a while.
it’s really hard to find couple-time when one or both of you are both working and in school, let alone adding in a friend-in-need! i definitely understand the tension.
i can’t stand cooking for myself after work/traffic, definitely some days it’s yogurt or hummus or cereal for dinner. with raw veggies, like carrots and snap peas, if i’m feeling i need to be healthy :p i’m hoping i can find a man to cook for me! and i will try to remember to be grateful and make a similar effort to take care of him in other areas.
I feel this exact way sometimes. Then , as you said, I remember that I adore the man & it always takes some work, but it is so worth it. I think some people give up too easily, so it’s really nice that you have the correct way of thinking. I wish you guys lots of luck & happiness in your marriage.
Get the man to take a cooking class. All men past 25 should know how to cook. It’s not your responsibility. They teach trig in college? That used to be taught in high school. In fact, you need it to take calculus, which I always thought was freshman math. My how times have changed. Make the man learn to cook for himself. You’re not Betty Crocker. You work your fingers to the bone. If he can’t cook now, what will you do when you have children?
am i remembering incorrectly or did you insist a few months ago that the DL had a FT job AND was going to school? or has he since quit or lost the job? It sounds like there’s resentment building on multiple levels here (the last few posts reek of it) – he has more free time (or more perceived free time) and has close friends to spend it with (we hear about his friends in the area but never really about yours…) perhaps you should combine the cooking/hanging out problems as others have suggested – cocktails while he preps and you cook? at any rate, it’s best to address it head on as you did! good luck!
Trig is required for his degree. It’s required for any math or science degree and regardless of whether you took it in high school, if your high school transcript is older than something like, 10 years, and you can’t test out of it (I know *I* took trig, got an A, and couldn’t test out of it to save a beach full of baby seals), you have to retake it.
Ha! Maybe it reeks of resentment because that’s the actual word I used? Anyhoo. Yes, I did “insist” that he did, though, your word choice makes it sound like it was made up or something. Anyway, I’m not sure which levels of resentment you’re talking about unless they’re the ones I’ve already come right out and announced…
I don’t know if you’ve missed the history of this but in brief, he has two best friends he’s had since he was like, 9. Anyone who’s known me longer than three years lives a majillion miles away. Well, excluding my mom. I guess I don’t write about going to movies with girl friends or hanging out talking about Glee, etc, etc, because, well, there’s no conflict in it and it sure doesn’t make much of a story. Dear Diary, Laura and I sat and talked about how much we love Glee. Again. See? Also, I do my socializin’ on the weekends, mostly and by the time Monday comes, I’ve probably found something to be cranky about.
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Aw, Barbara E., I didn’t mean to imply that your ideas weren’t good. They were very practical and I appreciate them. I think the whole dinner thing though is a symptom and not the illness, ya know?
Thank you for this heartfelt post, Fish.
Thank you so much for this post. My boy and i have been going through the same thing for a while and its refreshing to know we are not alone.
Parchemina – Is it just me or are we the only ones here who get that we can’t have it all? I don’t even want it all.. how exhausting!
Fish – those things like watching a good show are what bring me the happies! Feel free to write about those things as well as the conflicty things
I am in the exact same boat, only my husband and I have been doing the dance for about 6 years.
My only contribution is that they seem to get better at noticing BEFORE you reach that point.
Example: My husband was working 18+ hours a day a couple of weeks ago. He was cranky, exhausted, and never home(we have 3 kids and another on the way) and I was beginning to feel VERY resentful of his job. That I did all I do in my day and then still fight the kids into bed and clean house on my own. Right about the time I was ready to cry, scream, or break something, he came home early and spent the evening curled on the couch watching all my DVR’d shows I hadn’t gotten to watch.. just the two of us. He even brushed the little ones teeth.. He is learning to recognize the symptoms before the outburst. Hopefully that means with time DL will begin to notice soon. It’s SO much less stressful to not have to go that route, to have him notice and auto-correct.
And I’ve grown more attentive to his needs as well so the blow ups almost never happen now.
My relationship just fell apart, due to many factors, but primarily due to his lack of desire to carve out quality time and my growing resentment of him constantly pushing me to do more for him. A relationship is never a one-way street, and when it starts to feel like it’s heading that direction, it’s agonizing. I’m glad you have a relationship where you can tell him these things and he responds…it won’t ever be easy or perfect, but you two are partners and on the same team, and hopefully he will balance your relationship better soon. I am not sure some spouses/fiancees/bf/gfs “auto-correct” — some need to hear what they are doing wrong because they just do not realize it.
And you’re absolutely right that while dinner ideas are helpful, they’re not what it’s really about.
@ Neil, actually I think a lot of people got the picture. I know I certainly did – but the thing that makes this article special is the way Fish was able to articulate the dinner aspect of it so well. Its never about dinner, its never about the dishes, or the toilet seat…I think most reasonable people know that. Personally I’d just never read anyone write about this though it’s a common issue and it really floored me that she nailed it – like she was inside my brain or something…but that’s just me.
Our problem is very easily solved.
And I quote my love(r): “There are many things I can do for myself. Cooking is one of them. Blowjobs aren’t.”
Voila. Problem solved. Guess who does the cooking and is very happy when, once a month, I show my appreciation and cook something tasty.
Point is: He actually enjoys cooking. I hate it. I can cook. But I don’t enjoy the process. I am perfectly happy with whipping up a nice salad at night, maybe a baked potato and I can easily eat salad 4 nights a week without a problem.
He can’t. So he can cook.
I just eat it. 
A-freakin’-men. I know the feeling including many times on the other side of yours. I’ve had to remind myself of all you mentioned. Especially because, like you, we’re getting married this next year. (And is it just me or does the wedding planning heighten this whole dynamic about which you write?) I’ve been asking myself the question of whether I can make the adjustments for the rest of my life and all I have to do is have one of those moments where he says he’s sorry or I say I’m sorry and I realize, man I love this guy.
I haven’t read every comment, but why don’t you pull him into the kitchen to help you. He can chop the vegetables, grab the cutting board, stir something while you grab something else. Along the way he might even pick up some pointers. This way, even though you might still be the head chef, he is helping you out and you guys will be working as a team.
I feel for you; I really do. This post made me think back to when BOTH hubby and I were in grad school, working full time (with jobs that required travel), and trying to keep up with a house. We weren’t marred at the time either, so we were planning for that too.
Here’s what we did: I only cooked 3, maybe 4 times a week, but made bigger dishes (lasagna, soup, potroast, whatever…) that we ate as leftovers and for lunch during the week. We did go out to eat when it all was just too much to handle, but not often. We were trying to save pennies too.
I planned our meals for the week, made grocery lists, and shopped on Sunday. But even then, it got to a point where I said, “ENOUGH! You’re a big, smart man; learn to boil some noodles already!
And that’s what we did. I picked out meals that were simple and I knew that he could manage maybe once a week. He got frustrated at times and I walked him through the tough parts. Over time (years), he has gotten much, much better in the cooking dept, and he gets a big kick out of “taking over” in the kitchen every once in a while.
The fact is, we teach people how we want to be treated, and it goes both ways. Utimately, I didn’t want to take the role as mommy and he didn’t want to feel like he was being shut out from our partnership.
Heather, I hope that you are always able to let the DL know when you “need a nap”….it is probably the #1 secret to a healthy relationship, and one a lot of people either forget about or don’t have at the beginning. When you lose the ability to take that deep breath and let the resentment out – no matter how stupid it may seem after the fact – that is when the foundation starts to crack.
Everything works out in the end, but it may take a smack upside the head now and then to get to that end…right?
Thanks for this. I’m not married, but I wonder how much of this goes on in my relationships and it gave me a lot to think about.
Thank you for writing this! I’ve been dealing with similar issues in my new marriage (and prior two years of living together). I cannot deny that I put myself in this position – my standards of “clean” and “healthy” are different (superior!) from his, so it because natural that I was the one doing the laundry, and I was the one cooking dinners, and I was the one washing the dishes, and cleaning the bathroom. I’m realizing that I either need to let go some of my own control issues or I will just drive myself crazy.